2004-03-23 - 4:03 a.m. - when questions run too deep

it feels so strange to want to be wanted, to want to be loved, to want to believe someone cares enough to want to know, share, and be there, with me, with you, all the time... even stranger is taking the belief to the next step, to doing it... to feeling the wanting as real, not as some distant dream or memory, but as the fact of the day...

there is no hand to reach out for in my living spaces today... there is no heart to listen to, no chest to put my head upon... there are no eyes to pause in, to stare into, to gaze deep into mine asking the silent questions, who, what, where, when, how, why... who are you, what do you want, where are you, when will you come or go, how will it happen, why... who are you to me, what do you want from me, where are we going, when will we get there, how will we be, feel, know... why are we here... who loves me, what is love, where is love, when will I be loved, how will I know it is love, why do you love me, why do you not...

questions have layers and layers have ghosts and ghost can haunt the mind when questions continue beyond the surface... who is the one, what is the one doing right now, where is the one, when will the one arrive, how will I know the one, why am I waiting so long for the one...

the life deepest within shines an almost invisible spark (invisible to many) in the land of the mostly dead (but you know, if you've been here, or there, or care)... the faint glow of hope for rebirth of trust, of love, of life...

it has been so long since I initiated anything personal toward or for someone, even longer since I initiated anything intimate... have I become more comfortable being used than risking failure or rejection?...

there are times when all the world's asleep...

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